The Amazing Power of "Acting As If"

I recently ran into someone who, frankly, is not my favorite person. Everything they say and do gets under my skin, and in the past I've responded with passive aggression, which makes me feel guilty and disappointed in myself.

Holding back on being reactive

So this time when they steamrolled the conversation in a direction I had absolutely no interest in, I dug in my bag of tricks and pulled out a trusty old standby. "That's fascinating," I said – and then I pretended that it actually was, using encouraging body language and asking follow-up questions.

And sure enough, at the end of the encounter I felt... fine. Cheerfully tolerant, even.

"Acting as if" for emotional regulation

Research supports the practice of acting as if something is true when it isn't. When we pretend things are going our way, it can challenge our negative or limiting beliefs. In a sense, we become our own "devil's advocate" — and who better to convince us of a new idea or perspective than ourselves?

"Acting as if" is also recognized as an emotion regulation skill, because contradicting an emotion with opposite behavior can take the intensity out of our feelings and reduce our anxiety. I find that it also keeps me in the present moment by focusing my attention on my behavior rather than my emotion.

Needing tools as a schizophrenia caregiver

This tool has come in handy over and over again during my daughter's journey with schizophrenia. Like most people, I find that crisis moments tip me into strong negative emotions like fear, anger, and despair. And at first, I gave into those emotions and was unable to think clearly or make good decisions in the moment.

For instance, when my daughter's psychiatrist refused to consider the family history of mental illness that I had carefully written out, I took my frustration out on a receptionist who was simply doing their job.

Learning how to stay calm

Soon after, I was introduced to the "act as if" technique at an AlAnon meeting. My first experience with using it came when a family member made uninformed comments about schizophrenia – comments which left me feeling hurt, vulnerable, and furious.

What I wanted to project was calm, however, because I knew how important family support is to recovery. So I forced a smile and offered a few facts to contradict their mistaken beliefs (and, I'll admit, ended the conversation as fast as I could).

Becoming less emotionally reactive

I can't say that I felt much better immediately, though I was glad I'd avoided an emotional response at a time and place where I felt unsupported. But as I kept using the act as if technique, things started to improve. Each time I tried it I became a little more resilient and confident, and a bit less reactive.

Imagining I'm advising a friend

I've also learned a couple of variations of "acting as if." The first comes in handy when I'm faced with a situation in which I can't figure out the best course of action, often because my emotion overwhelms my objectivity.

In a case like this, I pretend that I'm advising a friend who's facing the same situation. I mentally rehearse the arguments I'd make to her, then apply them a second time to my present circumstances.

Helping vs. enabling

This was especially helpful when I couldn't figure out what boundaries were appropriate when my daughter and I were living together. My codependent tendencies had shown up in full force and I knew I was doing things for her that she could do herself, but it wasn't until I imagined I was speaking to my friend Catherine about her son that I could tell the difference between helping and enabling.

After a crisis or strong emotions

The second variation is one I use after the moment of crisis or strong emotion has passed, when I am reflecting or journaling. I imagine that I am a fully evolved version of myself, one whose behaviors are in concert with my goals (of course, it helps to know what your goals are, a subject for another time), and then I imagine myself handling the situation and take note of what I would do differently.

For me, this was an advanced skill, and it took a good bit of practice before I was able to do it consistently.

Navigating challenges as a schizophrenia caregiver

"There were all kinds of things I was afraid of at first," Theodore Roosevelt once said, "but by acting as if I was not afraid I gradually ceased to be afraid."

Never mind that Roosevelt was referring to things like things like grizzly and gun-fighters; it works just as well for us in the unseen army of caregivers striving not just to survive but thrive in challenging situations.